Lately my skull has been exploding with thoughts, and revelations... so many of these that it's been difficult to articulate, let alone dissect into meaningful blog posts. I will get to each of these subjects as I get time, but I thought I should write a little about something that goes very far, down to the depths of my soul, and at the same time, down to every cell of my body. It's Music.
Most people who have known me from childhood know that Music has been part of my surroudings, part of my DNA, part of my upbringing and part of my early identity. I was born in a very musical family, and classical music was a taken-for-granted part of my early upbringing. From the time I was an infant (or more accurately, from the time I was in the womb), I have heard music- Carnatic music- from grandmothers, my mother, uncles, aunts, the radio and tapes. At the age of 6 or so I was sent to singing lessons, and at the age of 8 or so was the first time I cried listening to music. I still remember the day- it was an afternoon at home, and my mum was playing M.S.Subbulakshmi, and I heard a particular song of hers that just made me cry. I had no idea why I cried, but I did, and it felt like I had been lifted up and hurled into a different place. One far away from what appeared in front of my eyes. I was uplifted but at the same time, frightened. This was my first spiritual experience, and I think it was very early in life.
I have been wondering how over the years, so many things took over my life and, to some extent, I got divorced from music. I have been trying to look back and understand it, and I think I have finally figured it out- Intimidation- that was the reason. As I analyze it, it is a blanket term- as it comprises so many different forms of intimidation. The first one is an intimidation caused by the sheer awe I have for music. Pt Ajoy Chakraborty said recently, in a workshop, "Music is as vast as the Atlantic Ocean", and said that it is impossible for anyone to understand or know it fully. That completely resonated with me. Music has been this kind of a vastness that has scared me, especially given my limited capacity to intellectualize it. I felt (and still feel) overwhelmed.
The other form of intimidation is a slightly more mundane one, but also goes pretty deep - it is intimidation caused by the people around you. I have had grandmothers and uncles and aunts and cousins, and in fact, my own sister, who have/have had a formidable sense of intuition for understanding music. As a 10 year old kid trying to sing, I remember getting angry at my father, or my grandmother, when they pointed out a mistake. Now that I think about it, I was angry at myself. It's very frustrating as you try to bring out a certain mood, or even just hit a certain note, and what comes out is not pleasing to your own ears! I realize now though, how important it was to have gone through that frustration as I was growing up. The realization came partly because of what I heard at Pt Ajoy Chakraborty's workshop. He said that people who learn Classical music from a young age tend to strive for perfection. You see, you cannot be perfect in your Shruti, or hit and sustain a note, or control your breath, or bring out the nuance of a certain tune, or stick to your rhythm while expressing a melody, without that strife for perfection and balance. I have realized that this, and my mother's perfectionist upbringing have helped me in so many other ways than just getting better at music.
But coming back to music, as I traveled the world, and explored different types of music, it broadened my conceptions and perceptions of music. I realized how different genres employed music to explore different emotions, not just Bhakti, which is the most prevelant one in Carnatic music. Thus has been my love affair with Music. I have not been the most faithful partner by any means however.
At times when my distance from music grew, though, I found that thing that would quench the thirst of my soul. In my mid twenties I started painting. Much as I hold it sacred, I still have this inexplicable awe for music, which requires an understanding that is possible only through intuition and imagination, with nothing in front of one's eyes. Indeed, I believe that it is music that opened up a whole new world of metaphysical experiences to me, to the extent that I could understand the believers singing about 'God'. When one is transported to a place that is beautiful and overwhelming at the same time, how can one not believe in the existence of "something beyond", afterall?
Most people who have known me from childhood know that Music has been part of my surroudings, part of my DNA, part of my upbringing and part of my early identity. I was born in a very musical family, and classical music was a taken-for-granted part of my early upbringing. From the time I was an infant (or more accurately, from the time I was in the womb), I have heard music- Carnatic music- from grandmothers, my mother, uncles, aunts, the radio and tapes. At the age of 6 or so I was sent to singing lessons, and at the age of 8 or so was the first time I cried listening to music. I still remember the day- it was an afternoon at home, and my mum was playing M.S.Subbulakshmi, and I heard a particular song of hers that just made me cry. I had no idea why I cried, but I did, and it felt like I had been lifted up and hurled into a different place. One far away from what appeared in front of my eyes. I was uplifted but at the same time, frightened. This was my first spiritual experience, and I think it was very early in life.
I have been wondering how over the years, so many things took over my life and, to some extent, I got divorced from music. I have been trying to look back and understand it, and I think I have finally figured it out- Intimidation- that was the reason. As I analyze it, it is a blanket term- as it comprises so many different forms of intimidation. The first one is an intimidation caused by the sheer awe I have for music. Pt Ajoy Chakraborty said recently, in a workshop, "Music is as vast as the Atlantic Ocean", and said that it is impossible for anyone to understand or know it fully. That completely resonated with me. Music has been this kind of a vastness that has scared me, especially given my limited capacity to intellectualize it. I felt (and still feel) overwhelmed.
The other form of intimidation is a slightly more mundane one, but also goes pretty deep - it is intimidation caused by the people around you. I have had grandmothers and uncles and aunts and cousins, and in fact, my own sister, who have/have had a formidable sense of intuition for understanding music. As a 10 year old kid trying to sing, I remember getting angry at my father, or my grandmother, when they pointed out a mistake. Now that I think about it, I was angry at myself. It's very frustrating as you try to bring out a certain mood, or even just hit a certain note, and what comes out is not pleasing to your own ears! I realize now though, how important it was to have gone through that frustration as I was growing up. The realization came partly because of what I heard at Pt Ajoy Chakraborty's workshop. He said that people who learn Classical music from a young age tend to strive for perfection. You see, you cannot be perfect in your Shruti, or hit and sustain a note, or control your breath, or bring out the nuance of a certain tune, or stick to your rhythm while expressing a melody, without that strife for perfection and balance. I have realized that this, and my mother's perfectionist upbringing have helped me in so many other ways than just getting better at music.
But coming back to music, as I traveled the world, and explored different types of music, it broadened my conceptions and perceptions of music. I realized how different genres employed music to explore different emotions, not just Bhakti, which is the most prevelant one in Carnatic music. Thus has been my love affair with Music. I have not been the most faithful partner by any means however.
At times when my distance from music grew, though, I found that thing that would quench the thirst of my soul. In my mid twenties I started painting. Much as I hold it sacred, I still have this inexplicable awe for music, which requires an understanding that is possible only through intuition and imagination, with nothing in front of one's eyes. Indeed, I believe that it is music that opened up a whole new world of metaphysical experiences to me, to the extent that I could understand the believers singing about 'God'. When one is transported to a place that is beautiful and overwhelming at the same time, how can one not believe in the existence of "something beyond", afterall?
2 comments:
Wonderfully articulated Sumi! You speak for many of us who have a similar relationship with music. Spellbound in our awe, yet intimidated by its beauty. I often find it paralyzing that I can't prove the depth of my relationship with music as expressively as a musician or as knowledgeably as a critic. But nevertheless, knowing that it is something so highly personal can make it that much more hypnotic too!
thanks Deepthi. It's nice when someone can relate to it to this extent.
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